Decisions, Memories and the White Room
by WolfeShade
Summary: Buffy has to make a hard decision.


None but Vamp are my characters. The rest belong to their respective creators.  
  
Decisions, Memories and the White Room  
  
She asked for this? No way in hell she would do that, would she?  
Vamp feeds on these thoughts and probes at her mind more, releasing even more memories of that night. That wonderful night when he took her as his, when he turned her into a vampire to share all eternity with.  
"NO!" Buffy screams at him, but the memories came anyhow.  
  
"You will be mine Slayer," Vamp stated with certainty.  
Buffy stayed uncharacteristically quiet as she faced off against this new threat. Spike had noticed something change in Buffy the last few nights, and not for the good. This new vampire they faced seemed to bring it all out in her. She was too relaxed and seemed distracted. This one was no fledgling, Spike's broken nose and two or three broken ribs could attest for that, yet she wasn't putting in the effort. It seemed a familiar sight to Spike, almost as if. . . too late did Spike recognize what he saw in the Slayer. It was the same thing he had seen in the two Slayers he had killed, a death wish.  
"No, Buffy!" Spike yelled, but not in time.  
Vamp easily got through Buffy's slack guard and grabbed her by the throat. Spike jumped on him, but Vamp just threw him into a tree, breaking a few more ribs. By this time, Xander and Willow showed up. Throwing something at Vamp, Willow begun a chant. Xander, wielding an axe, aimed for Vamp's back but got tossed aside as easily as Spike did. Buffy struggled and kicked, but nothing seemed to hurt this vampire. She was caught by his stare and felt a familiar pull.  
"Buffy, no, you want to live! Bloody hell girl, you've got lots to live for. Fight!" Spike again yelled at her.  
Suddenly, Vamp disappeared as Willow stopped chanting. Buffy fell to the ground and gasped for air. All three of her friends ran to her . . .  
  
"That's not what happened?" Vamp questions the weeping Buffy, "Is it?"  
"No," she cries, and the memories flood over her again.  
  
"Buffy, no, you want to live! Bloody hell girl, you've got lots to live for. Fight!" Spike again yelled at her.  
"Do you?" Vamp asked the choking Slayer so only she could hear.  
"Yes!" Buffy managed to get out as Vamp released his hold slightly.  
"I don't think so, and neither does Spike. He's an interesting anomaly, a vampire without a soul and yet he loves. He loves you Slayer and I don't blame him. He's also killed two of your predecessors, and recognizes what to look for in a Slayer who's time is up. Your time is up, as a Slayer at least," Vamp said.  
Throwing her to the ground he waited for her to rise. Buffy rose defiantly and Spike could be seen to smile, though painfully. With speed Buffy's never seen before he swung a right hook that knocked her to the ground stunned. A foot landed on her throat and started to strangle her. Swinging her legs up Buffy managed to kick the vampire in the back and knock him off balance just enough for her to move his foot and roll away from him. Rising quickly she faced him again and saw he was smiling. Launching a strong attack of many punches and kicks that he blocks, she backed him into the side of crypt. He smiled the whole time, as if he was having fun. In the slight pause it took Buffy to aim the stake, the vampire did a stunning jump over her head and slammed her into the side of the crypt. Buffy's head hit the stone with tremendous force and she crumpled. The vampire picked up the limp body of the Slayer and disappeared into the air.  
  
"Yes, you hesitated before staking me, an open invitation to any who saw. You should have seen the look on Spike's face when you paused, he knew," Vamp informs her.  
Buffy, knowing this for truth, cries for what she thought she didn't want.  
"You wonder how you came to have this death wish? It is simple. Having barely gotten over the death of your mother, then dying yourself, then being brought back from Heaven, added to Dawn's death, made you susceptible," Vamp informs her with a smile, "But that's not all. Do you remember what happened next?"  
"No! No more!," she cries out in despair but the memories keep coming.  
  
"Where am I?" Buffy demanded as she woke suddenly and sat up on the bed she was laying on.  
"Our new home," Vamp replied.  
"You have to be the most demented vampire I've met!" she threw at him.  
"Really? You didn't seem to have any problem sharing a bed with Spike?" he threw back.  
Buffy stared, confused, "How did you know…?"  
"I know all there is to know about you Slayer. Everything from the time you entered Sunnydale. From the Master to Glory. I've watched you grow from a young girl to the woman you are now. You've pleased me very well."  
"Glad to please," she said sarcastically, "Anyone tell you you're a weirdo?"  
Vamp laughed and rose from the chair he was sitting in at the foot of the bed. As he walked slowly towards the bed, Buffy tried to get off but found her wrists and ankles firmly chained to the four posts of the bed. Vamp sat on the edge of the bed and reached a hand out to Buffy's face. Backing as far away as she could, he still easily stroked the side of her face and then grabbed her throat.  
"Those chains will hold even you Slayer. Don't resist me, Buffy. Don't you feel the connection we have, the common bond of darkness in our souls?" he asked of her in a hushed voice.  
"If you've been watching me then you'd know this won't work. Remember? The whole Dracula thing?" Buffy jibed while pulling on the chains harder.  
"Dracula was just a warm-up, to give you a taste of what I can give you. I never expected him to affect you as much as he did. You are closer than I thought, though you won't admit it to yourself," he said.  
Buffy stopped pulling at the chains, realizing they weren't going to budge, and said, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"  
Vamp laughed and walked to the end of the bed, "Would you like a second opinion?"  
Buffy looked confused again then shocked as Spike was thrown into the room by two other vampires. His face was bruised all over and cut up bad. His jacket was gone and his shirt was torn up badly. Buffy saw blood drip from several open wounds on his chest. Spike painfully picked himself up onto his knees and looked up at Buffy.  
"Buffy," he began in a whisper, "Buffy, don't do it!" His voice grew stronger as he pleaded.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Remember what I told you before? About how I killed the two Slayers? It's happening to you now," he managed to get out before Vamp kicked him in the ribs.  
Lifting Spike by the back of his head, Vamp brought him to his feet and held him there in front of Buffy, "This weasel you call a vampire is telling you the truth and you know it now. But don't back away from it, embrace it. You don't have anything to live for here now. Your mother is dead, your sister is dead, your friends pulled you from Heaven to bring you to this Hell you call life. I know you want rest, Buffy. I can offer you better than that, I can offer you freedom. I can give you what you had in Heaven here on Earth without the boredom. We can spend eternity living and having fun with no responsibilities to tie us down to any one spot. Spike himself knows what I'm talking about, don't you?" he shook Spike to get an answer from him.  
Spike remained silent, letting both Vamp and Buffy know the truth. Buffy's face drew into a frown, thoughts racing through her mind. She knew what Vamp was doing, yet couldn't seem to stop herself from agreeing. Her life had been so hard, especially lately. All she had wanted was a normal life and this man was offering her something better. At a price, yes, but was it such a bad price? She wouldn't feel guilt or remorse or sorrow anymore and at this point, she could do without love. Most of all though, she wouldn't have this burden on her shoulders of having to save the world every week it seemed.  
Spike saw the change in her face, but hoped it was a ruse. She couldn't have been swayed this easily, could she? There was more here than this, there had to be. Some sort of mind control Vamp had over her, or drugs he'd given her, or…or…or…Spike fumbled for something to blame. He knew though, that Buffy had made this decision on her own.  
Buffy's face set into resolution as she turned her face to Vamp and said simply, "Yes."  
"NO!" screamed Spike as tears flowed down his face.  
With a quick movement, he managed to free himself from Vamp's grasp. Freedom didn't last long as Vamp made a quick movement of his own and pierced a wooden stake through Spike's heart. A hand reached out towards Buffy as Spike turned to dust in front of her, his last words hung in the air "I love you." Buffy Summers didn't blink.  
  
"You see?" Vamp says.  
"No, no, no, no, no," Buffy mutters as she rocks back and forth on that same bed.  
"Of course, there was the turning itself and the feeding frenzy after," Vamp continues.  
Buffy has no more strength to resist.  
  
Vamp went to each corner of the bed and released the chains knowing that Buffy would no longer try to run. She was his, body and soul. He sat on the bed beside her and stroked her face again. She responded by baring her neck to him. The willingness she showed him pleased him immensely. This was going to be a perfect night.  
Buffy's mind had shut down to it's most basic functions. This was no doing of Vamp's, but of Buffy herself. She had done it before, when Dawn had been captured by Glory, but there was no Willow this time to snap her out of it. This time, she would remain in the dream and be content. Vamp would have her completely and she would enjoy it.  
That night, the Vampire Slayer became a vampire willingly and when she awoke from the change, she hungered. Vamp set her loose on a feeding house in the outskirts of Sunnydale and she cleaned the place out. She drained both humans and vampires alike. Vamp watched from the shadows and gloried in his new prize. When the sun came close to rising they returned to their home and spent the day enjoying each other. Even Vamp was amazed at the reckless abandon of his new partner.  
  
"We had fun didn't we? Admit it, dearest, we sucked life dry," he chuckles.  
"Yes," Buffy whimpers, "We did."  
"So many kills, and you were in your glory. At times, even I couldn't keep up with your wild new ideas. You were a rival to the feats of Angelus. And that was the problem wasn't it, Angelus," Vamp frowns.  
  
"Buffy? Is that you?" Angel asked the vampire in front of him. He couldn't believe his eyes, it must be another trick from Wolfram and Hart.  
"Angel? How nice to see you again," she smiled and walked towards him returning to her human face.  
"No, Buffy, what happened?" he whispered as his heart filled with sorrow.  
"Freedom happened, Angel, freedom. I've come to be with you now. Vamp bores me," she replied as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.  
"Vamp? What are you talking about? You are…were the Slayer! How did this happen? Who did this to you? Was it Vamp? I'll kill him!" Angel declared.  
"Kill Vamp? Why? He was the one that gave me this freedom when I asked for it," she said and kissed Angel's neck.  
Angel pushed her away and couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Buffy had asked for this? He knew things were rough in her life recently, but he didn't think it wasn't anything she couldn't handle. Maybe if he had been there for support…that thought died quickly as he knew that couldn't have been.  
Hoping anger would snap her out of it, Angel yelled at her, "You just gave up? That's not the Buffy I knew and fell in love with. We went through very hard times and you never gave up, not once. You were so strong Buffy, and had such a love of life. Why, why did you ask for this?"  
"It was too hard! I was only 15 when I became the Slayer. I never had a normal teenage life. I never got to have the multitude of boyfriends, or the my only cares being what to wear the next day. No, I had to save the world from evil. I had patrol every night to look for things to kill! Kill, Angel. I was killing things when I should have been shopping. I was hiding from my mom for so long. Then she dies and leaves me with Dawn to take care of. Then Giles leaves and I'm really on my own. Oh, don't forget the fact that I DIED! Angel, I died and was in Heaven then MY FRIENDS yanked me out of there and brought me back here because they were too selfish to let me be at peace. I had thought my fight was over, but no, they couldn't let me go!" by this time she was yelling.  
"I don't know what exactly happened then…" Angel started.  
"That's another thing. You claimed to love me and yet you leave me! I loved you so much Angel," Buffy quieted at the last, "I still do."  
Angel grabbed on to that with hope. Vamp cringed to hear that. He had been hoping that Buffy would get rid of Angel once Angel started berating her for making this decision. He hadn't counted on this.  
"I still love you, Buffy, at least the Buffy I knew. The Buffy I knew would have gone to her friends for support."  
"Friends for support?" Buffy laughed, "They had they're own problems. The only one that supported me, was Spike, and that was only physical."  
Angel reeled. Spike?  
Buffy laughed again at Angel's reaction, "Yes, I did it with Spike several times and loved it. He was much better than you I have to say."  
Instead of feeling better at Angel's hurt face she felt something she hadn't felt in a long while, remorse for her words. She wasn't supposed to feel that anymore. Anger spread through her.  
"Buffy?" Angel almost whimpered. His sad eyes cut her even more.  
"Stop!" she screamed at him, "Stop it!"  
"Just because you don't have a soul anymore doesn't mean that you'll never feel guilty again. When you do, it's ten times as worse because it gets compounded with everything else you've done. Trust me, I know," Angel's words rang in her ears, "There's no escaping the guilt Buffy, just accepting it and moving forward, moving on with life. There will always be the bad times, but there will always the good times as well."  
"No! There will never be a time when I'm truly happy, never. Someone will die, or get hurt, or there'll be someone to care for and worry about. At least this way, I won't feel anything," she retorted.  
"But you do feel guilty don't you? I can see it. You will still feel guilt now, but at least before you had a chance to feel happy, to feel joy. You were doing good, Buffy, lots of good. I remember that made you feel good, to be able to save someone when others couldn't. You were special Buffy. Why did you give it all away?" he asked.  
"To be numb…" she answered quietly.  
"But you aren't," Angel also said quietly as he walked closer to her.  
"Oh Angel, what have I done?" she cried as he wrapped his arms around her. In the shadows, Vamp swore and flew off.  
  
"Yes, he ruined everything! But we can be together again now," Vamp assures her in a voice that needs assurance itself. He turns to a table by the bed and leaves his back to her.  
Composing herself, Buffy straightens herself on the bed and speaks, "No Vamp. You made the mistake of bringing me that last memory. I can never pay for what I've done, but I can sure try with killing you."  
Vamp turns quicker than Buffy can move and holds a hand up to her. She stops in mid leap and falls to the bed in the grip of another memory.  
  
"He's trying to take your freedom from you," Vamp whispered into Buffy's ear just as she woke.  
"No," she cried and tried to backhand Vamp, but he wasn't there.  
"I'm in your mind. I'll show you, it's a trick to kill you," Vamp's voice nagged at her.  
Forcing her body to move, he brought her to the balcony above the lobby of the converted hotel. Angel and another man were talking. The man was holding a wicked looking axe and showing it to Angel. He was nodding and saying that it would work great. The other replied that he hoped it would do against a vampire with that kind of strength. Angel replied that he knew that it would because he knew the vampire well. Buffy went back to her room on her own then.  
"You see, I told you," the voice prodded, "He sees you as a major threat, no matter what you say. Angel doesn't trust you. They'll ambush you. Kill him now before he suspects you know."  
Buffy's mind was in confusion. She knew Angel, at least she thought she knew him, he could have changed a lot since he left. What she had heard did sound suspicious. It could have been a misunderstanding though. The words she had heard, and the meaning behind them, seemed so clear to her. She could understand him though, she was a major threat. Buffy didn't want to die though, so she formed an ambush of her own.  
It was quite simple. Anyone that came through that door would get a stake through the heart considering they all thought she was 'reformed'. Expecting Angel anytime, she prepared herself. When she heard footsteps outside the door though, she reformulated her plan, Angel wouldn't make a sound. She would drain this human and leave him for Angel to find then confront him.  
"Buffy? I'm a friend of Angel's. Can I come in?" the man's voice called.  
"Yes," Buffy called back from the bed then quickly moved to beside the door.  
As soon as the door opened, Buffy jumped the man. His face registered only shock before he died. Vamp cheered to himself as he felt Buffy return to him. He could feel her bloodlust rising again, she hadn't fed in a while, and her anger was glorious.  
Carrying the body downstairs, she placed it in the middle of the lobby and waited for Angel to return. The wait let Buffy's anger boil and grow. How dare he claim to still lover her and then plan to kill her. She had been sincere but her doubts of the night before were gone. She had been content until Angel disrupted her new life. He would pay for that now.  
Angel walked in the door, saw his friend lying dead on the floor and his blood on Buffy's lips, then her racing at him fangs bared. Reacting on instinct, he aimed a stake for her heart but Buffy caught it in time and knocked loose from his hands. Using her momentum, Angel managed to swing her around and throw her back into the lobby area. She regained her balance and snarled at him.  
"Buffy, what happened?" Angel asked, he was so confused.  
"You planned to kill me! I meant what I said last night but now I take it all back!" she yelled at him.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Don't deny it!" she screamed and launched herself at him.  
Angel had been no match for the Slayer even when she was human so the fight didn't last long. Eventually, Buffy had Angel pinned to the floor with the knocked aside stake right above his heart. He was using all his strength to keep it just a few inches away. He prayed to the Powers That Be that someone would walk in and help, but no one did.  
"You betrayed me again Angel, and I'll make sure it's the last time," Buffy stated as she plunged the stake through Angel's heart with a mighty shove.  
"I love you," Angel's voice whispered as he turned to dust, yet those words filled the lobby.  
Buffy's mind broke.  
  
"You see? Even Angel turned against you in the end. You have no one but me," Vamp re-enforces.  
"No," Buffy whispers, "No."  
"Yes, my dear, only me."  
"No. Don't you see? Even when I killed him, again, he loved me. He forgave me. I may not have a soul anymore, but I can still understand that. His love for me, my friend's love for me, was all I really needed. They would have forgiven me and helped me, they have done that the whole time. You can't be numb and live. To live, you have to take the good with the bad. I knew this, but had forgotten it, until now," Buffy says to Vamp, "If you tried to get me to stay with you through guilt, you failed. I don't know what I can do, but I will try to make things right again. I know my friends may not forgive me for this much, but I don't expect them to. I hope to eventually earn back their trust, but in the meantime, I have my memories."  
"You have passed Slayer," intones a voice from all around Buffy. The room has disappeared and she finds herself standing in a white room with no walls, doors or windows.  
"Where am I?" she asks.  
"The white room. You will be sent back to your time now. Remember what you've learned here and do not make the same mistakes. You will face temptations like this, and worse, but you have proven yourself to resist them, if not right away. We believe that you have learnt your lesson. You will retain your memories of this time as insurance," the voice replies.  
"Was that real?"  
"As real as anything is real," comes the cryptic reply.  
A blinding white light surrounds Buffy then all is dark.  
  
"Buffy! You're going to be late for work," Dawn yells into Buffy's room.  
Buffy opens her eyes and rushes to get up but then the 'dream' comes back to her. She sits back down on the bed with a thud and lets the memories wash over her. No, she wasn't going to make those mistakes again. It made her realize how much she did want to live now, even through the hard times, as long as she had her friends.  
"Come on Buffy!" Dawn yelled in again and Buffy got up. Life might not be fair or fun all the time but that just made the good times better. 


End file.
